Love Languages

All love that depends on something, [when the] thing ceases, [the] love ceases; and [all love] that does not depend on anything, will never cease. What is an example of love that depended on something? Such was the love of Amnon for Tamar. And what is an example of love that did not depend on anything? Such was the love of David and Jonathan.

Love can be difficult to articulate and even harder to cultivate and sustain. This Mishna presents paradigms of affirmative love and toxic love.  The latter is “dependent on something” and will not last, while the former is unconditional and will therefore endure. David and Jonathan’s close friendship exemplifies the former, Amnon’s lust for Tamar, the latter.

Despite both these sentiments being described as love, except perhaps for oxytocin, they share very little in common. What are the ingredients that make up these two opposite relationship paradigms? Besides for the terse description and allusion to Scripture, the Mishna itself is scant on details.

Rabbi Moshe Almosnino points to the Nicomachean Ethics, where Aristotle distinguishes between friendships that are for utility or pleasure, which are usually unstable, and those that are of virtue, which are enduring.

Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in virtue; for these wish well alike to each other qua good, and they are good themselves. Now those who wish well to their friends for their sake are most truly friends; for they do this by reason of own nature and not incidentally; therefore their friendship lasts as long as they are good-and goodness is an enduring thing.

Amnon’s love of Tamar was for one-sided pleasure, while David and Jonathan were good and pursued good. They shared a friendship of virtue.

More recently, psychologist Robert Sternberg developed the triangular theory of love, contending that love consists of three components: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passion relates to physical attraction and intense emotions; intimacy consists of deep emotional connection and trust; commitment entails devotion and dedication. Amnon’s love of Tamar comprised just the passionate element, while David and Jonathan’s friendship involved emotional intimacy and commitment.

Rabbeinu Yonah focuses in on the self-sacrifice that Jonathan made to support David, despite the direct cost towards his own chance at the monarchy. Amnon’s love was of the self, motivated by his own ego and narcissism.  The fact that Jonathan was willing to transcend his own sense of self for his friend demonstrates unconditional, altruistic love.

Maimonides adds a sense of spiritual transcendence to his definition. He distinguishes between a physical cause that will not endure once the material motivation is removed, and “when the cause of the love is a divine matter - and that is the true science - it is impossible for that love to be removed ever, as its cause is eternally in existence.”

Rabbi Israel Lipschitz takes these abstract concepts and makes them a little more concrete and relatable. Included in love that is not contingent is a love for one’s children and family, wisdom, virtue and character, and awe of Heaven. Yet even with these examples, it is difficult to fully define love, writes Rabbi Lipschitz. When asked to describe the feeling, people will struggle with a precise depiction. Love transcends language.

Maharal notes that most relationships don’t fall into these extreme categories.  Love often includes both dependent and non-dependent aspects. The goal is to strive to include more unconditional, virtuous aspects. Towards this end, Solomon ben Isaac Levi in his Leiv Avot highlights the word “davar,” translated above as “thing,” but also related to the word “dibbur,” speech. If the love is just merely words or rhetoric it will not endure. Love needs to be deeper than the frivolities of empty speech.  In his book The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman suggests strategies to deepen a loving relationship. The five “languages” include words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. While empty “dibbur” will not assure a long-term relationship, meaningful and sincere communication, along with intentionally and altruistically investing into the other “love languages,” can be important ingredients for lasting love.

If we want our relationships to be infused with virtuous love, we would do well to follow the advice of this Mishna and its commentaries. By transcending the self for the benefit of the other person, and by uniting with the other to transcend ourselves for a higher spiritual purpose, we will merit experiencing more fulfilled, meaningful, and enduring relationships.